No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
