I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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