Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
