I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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