I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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