Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You ate ashes out of my bong
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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