between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
