don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
