Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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