I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
