Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
