please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
