Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Randomize
