Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
