My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
