last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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