Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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