I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
