just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I could fuck to npr.
It's shark week go big or go home
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize