My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
