Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
