I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
