The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
