i think my tv is drunk
People with herpes should wear stickers.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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