i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
