You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
my being single is dangerous.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Randomize
