I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
