It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
