I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
