I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
