apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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