All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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