Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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