Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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