By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize