I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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