What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
