I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
