Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
