I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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