I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
