Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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