I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize