Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize