hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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