I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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