You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
