Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
