I hope my margaritas pass through security.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
