So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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