this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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