My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
