You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
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