btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
