Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
